What’s Wrong with Transformers?
My problem with Michael Bay and his vision for Transformers comes down to one franchise destroying problem: I am interested in a story about Transformers, not about humans.
Now, this is not to say that I do not care about human PROBLEMS, problems that can be solved with big ass mechs charging around and spraying laser-gun fire. If a human falls down and skins their knees, I want to see them pout. If a robot picks someone up and uses him/her to wipe its ass, I want to see them soiled to no end, dripping with oil.
However, I do not care about the establishment of a single human individuals wants, dreams, hopes, desires (esp. in his first Transformer film) because his story is simply boring. Taking the premise of getting LaBeouf a car and then using that as a means of temporarily involving him in War-formers (TM), great. Aside from that, his character can be the first to die while inside Bumble Bee when he transforms, thereby eviscerating his lumpy, both-hands-in-tact, not-crazy-faked-n’-baked body. END OF HIS STORY.
Instead, Bay continues to require LaBeouf involvement by including some freeze-dried BS about having a historical and familial tie to the plot. Bummer. Who cares. If the Transformers, fucking robot aliens who have fallen from outer space and occupy several stories of a building, are UN-FUCKING-ABLE to scan through some snow and ice and dirt to find Megatron and the All Spark respectively, they just need to throw a fit and wage all-out-war on the surface. That is what I want to see and that’s what the 10 year-olds want to see. That is worth $21.95 for IMAX-HD-3D-BLURAY-BBQ.
Until that time, we don’t care about a couple of sobbing kids being sad because they aren’t given a gun at the outset of their journey. In fact, I should be the sobbing kid because they have front-row seats to the action where I am forced to don two pairs of glasses so that I can be immersed in the experience.